There is a profound uncertainty in our society caused by the feeling that you’re only one mistake away from being fired from your job, a friendship, a relationship or your family! One wrong move or misspoken word could put you on the outside looking in. This worry leads to all sorts of unfortunate outcomes and one of the most troubling is mediocrity.

You don’t have to look far to appreciate the irony of programs designed to build childhood self-esteem, for example. Doing away with a letter grading system that distinguishes between superior work and failing work was deemed an important part of helping all children feel good about learning. But rewarding all effort equally leads to a squishy system in which children lose their ability to know how talented – or not – they are in any particular skill.

Similarly, allowing everyone to play on sports teams regardless of ability makes for an inclusive bunch, but doesn’t do much for inculcating a winning spirit.

While well intentioned, these attempts at helping kids build self-esteem actually dull self-confidence. True self-esteem comes from mastering a new challenge. Increased confidence comes from true learning—getting the wrong answer and having someone who knows the right one explain it to you. Sharpening a skill creates energy and a desire to do more. Naturally, this requires commitment, patience, a great deal of practice and a willingness to persist when you encounter setbacks.

Ah, but these are counter to our culture today. We live in an age of microwave commitment, demand for instant gratification and a one-and-done achievement orientation. But when we bounce from one idea or goal to another without completing any of them, we compile evidence that quietly convinces us we don’t have what it takes to succeed. No wonder our confidence is shaken.

The old adage “practice makes perfect” may be true for some things, but a more important fact is that practice makes more confident. If you practice the wrong things, you can end up being very good at things you would rather not be good at!

For example, many women develop the habit of apologizing in order to avoid conflict. Perfecting this ability may increase your confidence in being able to steer clear of unpleasant situations, but it actually diminishes your self-confidence and nurtures the fear of being fired, as stated above. Wouldn’t it be better to learn how to deal effectively with conflict? Imagine the feeling of power that would come with knowing you could find your way through any difficulty. Imagine the improvement in relationships we would all enjoy!

Here are some suggestions to build confidence in our age of uncertainty. First, notice what you are good at. Keep a log of things you do well. Next, identify something you would like to learn. Perhaps it is a new software program? Maybe you would like to learn to play a musical instrument, speak a foreign language or broaden your cooking skills to expand beyond the five or six dishes you know how to make?

Enroll in a program or find an instructor. Prepare yourself mentally for the process of learning. Give yourself permission to make mistakes, recognizing that in correcting wrong answers, you are making your way to the right ones.

Develop the attitude of a Dallas charter school leader who frequently declares, “I love to be wrong because I learn!” Hang around people like this who are continually learning and growing; they will inspire you to persevere during difficult times. Finally, keep moving! Momentum creates energy.

We live in a world that would just as soon fire us as notice us. That’s okay. You don’t need the world’s permission or attention to create a rich and rewarding life. Trade your uncertainty for commitment to learning and growth. Then when you experience that “I don’t want to” feeling (and you will), act on your commitment, not your feelings.

In this traditional month of hearts and roses, take steps to love your life. You’ll find yourself smiling a lot more, which will make your friends and family wonder what’s up. Now isn’t that fun?

Susan Marshall is an author and speaker whose book, How to Grow a Backbone: 10 Strategies for Gaining Power and Influence at Work, has been translated into multiple languages and is especially popular in Asia. Her work is dedicated to building strong leaders who create successful organizations, transform school systems and develop leaders at all levels. You can reach her at 262-567-5983 or execadvise@mac.com.